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Kez Dispenser

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EGL feedback information [Feb. 17th, 2030|10:09 pm]
Kez Dispenser
Here is my EGL feedback page:

link2 bad touches|touch me. with words.

Possibly my last post ever? [Sep. 13th, 2011|02:20 am]
Kez Dispenser
[motes |pensive]

I really can't see myself using this anymore, but who knows. I'll make one last vague and feeble attempt at explaining my life, but there are more than a few reasons I don't like to carve out the depths of my existence on this journal anymore.

I'm a whirlwind of emotions right now. Back to therapy tomorrow, after attempting early in the year and withdrawing from everything that I should have bravely faced at once. This has been a year of pain and cowardice, so far, although good things have come from it too. I am so glad this summer is over, because I can't remember the last time I felt that disconnected and... I need to remember that things only get better, though.

It's weird, when you try to force something for so long because you care and you made drastic choices someone didn't even want you to make, poured your soul out only to be rejected over and over and refusing to take the hint that it's not natural, maybe you didn't want to admit that you made mistakes and didn't want to face the pain it would cause everyone, or the severe gravity of the mistakes you'd made.

So I think I can solve our problems by myself,
Well nevermind, nevermind, nevermind, nevermind, nevermind
And you think you can solve all your problems by yourself
Nevermind, nevermind, nevermind, nevermind, nevermind

Oh, give it, give it, give it, give it, give it
Until you just can't give no more
Oh, give it, give it, give it, give it, give it
Until you just can't give no more

This song, and this band, are incredibly relevant and symbolic for me on such a personal level that I feel silly typing this because it must sound absolutely CRAZY. I don't think any music has ever resonated more with me, and that's silly because Yeasayer is probably not worth such intense sentiments. Additionally, I have little faith in my taste in music, but that's... Meh, maybe I judge myself too harshly. I'm not feeling too eloquent right now, or I'd elaborate further. Something something, soulwrenching, something.

I would like to point out that, from that list I posted at the beginning of this year, a few things are finally starting to come to fruition from it. Like mentioned earlier, therapy is finally getting some attention like it should've before. I'm more ready for it, this time. No, really, I desperately need a neutral wall in my life right now before I suffocate... Digression, hmm... cultivating the self hadn't gone all that well until recently, I more or less went on a long journey completely in the opposite direction because I couldn't take the hurt... but I'm making changes there, and it's really nice. My room feels better than it has in years. There is more heart, more creativity and passion here than there has been in... I don't even remember. The residue from the constant exposure to self-hatred I experienced--and I should point out that I am not referring to MY self-hatred, but someone else's that was far more extreme--for so long is going to fade slowly, but (I hope) it will fade, as it was absolutely toxic. Finances are coming to a focus, and I should have some relative stability/control by the end of the year now that I've moved, not to mention I may be switching up my work entirely very soon. Most importantly, I've declared a major that I love and am comfortable in, maybe even exceed at? ... I get down on myself often about it, but I'll be ok, and really, I do well with it and enjoy it. I'm hoping that I can focus better once I get some of this poisonous stream of consciousness off of my chest.

Now the world may be an unfair place at times,
But your lows will have their compliment of highs
And if anyone should cheat you, take advantage of, or beat you
Raise your head and wear your wounds with pride

You must stick up for yourself, son!
Nevermind what anybody else done
Stick up for yourself, son!
Nevermind what anybody else done

Fuck yes, this song too, goddamn. Shit. SO TOPICAL AND TRUE, MAAAAAN.

Good things come from where you least expect them to, sometimes, and I'm incrementally grateful the more of my life I get to live these days and also scared of how well it's going now. The person that I chose to confide in most deeply, that I felt was safest chiefly because they were disconnected from my immediate reality, safely far away from the honestly awful people I was desperately frustrating myself over to connect with when I just couldn't, but also because there was a genuine openness there as well, became, unsurprisingly, incredibly important to me, though that is not the only piece to our foundation by any means... That sentence was a beast and I am too tired, I hope it makes sense.... Really, became isn't a good word, but whatever... It's true that every day I hurt from the emotional baggage (fucking garbage, really) that I've suddenly, finally let weigh on my shoulders after years and years, some of it all of my conscious life. But it feels great to admit, I almost welcome this intensity, and through it I will, someday, be okay with everything, despite the darkness of all these things. Vague pieces of my future are starting to come together in ways I never thought possible now that I've reaffirmed what's important to me... I can stop denying, wishing, losing myself in thought, and instead live in the present, truly care, and most importantly, create every aspect of my life as I want it. Not just with art and music, but every brief moment of my life can be passionate and relevant and inspiring and wonderful. I get sad when I think about how late I've had this kind of realization, but regret is a major thing I need to start letting go of before I am consumed and become bitter.

Tomorrow, it starts.

So, with that, I'm gone from this place indefinitely. I'll check up on you from time to time, those that I still care to read about that is. You definitely know who you are and you few are people I will love until I'm old and done, even if I don't know you anymore by then. I'll leave one last, very relevant and once again personally meaningful Yeasayer song (that I actually intend to learn to play), to conclude this post.

I can't sleep when I think about the times we're living in
I can't sleep when I think about the future I was born into
Outside's dressed up like Sunday morning
With no Berlin wall, what the hell you gonna do?

It's a new year, and I'm glad to be here, it's a fresh spring, so let's sing
In 2080 I will surely be dead, so don't look ahead, never look ahead
It's a new year, I'm glad to be here, it's the first spring, so let's sing
And the moon shines bright on the water tonight so we won't drown in the summer sound
linktouch me. with words.

mind the music [Apr. 26th, 2011|11:51 pm]
Kez Dispenser
[motes |complacentcomplacent]

The semester is close to being over, and hence, really busy and full of studying. Gross. It's grossing me out.
I'm looking forward to having a break from classes in the summer-- and hitting full time in the fall for the first time since I began going to college!!!!! Hollaaaa!!!!! Holla with me.

Nothing much to say here. Just a few songs I've been digging lately.

See you around, Livejournal.
link2 bad touches|touch me. with words.

Woah, long time no post, LJ. [Apr. 4th, 2011|12:47 am]
Kez Dispenser
[motes |determined]

I've got a lot to say, but not a lot of time to conduct the post that I wish I could right now. Here, my favorite song at the moment sums up a lot about my life:

Life is pretty good. I'm reconnecting with myself in a lot of ways that I had blocked off for a long time and finding out that I'm better than I ever gave myself credit for. I'm getting stuff done. I have cool cats. I know what I'm going to major in. I party on the weekend.

Life, you rule, don't ever forget that you do. Like, life in general, not specifically mine, but yeah.

"It will only be weird if you think it's weird. Just be cool."
link1 bad touch|touch me. with words.

2010 in review and things to come [Jan. 12th, 2011|03:50 pm]
Kez Dispenser
[Tags|, , , , , , , , , , ]

2010 was an incredibly 50/50 year. I don't even know how to begin to talk about it. I've accomplished a lot and realized a lot of problems within myself. 2011 is going to be a year of progress, where 2010 was a year of stunted growth, although there definitely was growth. I have so much to do, and I'm going to do it with full speed ahead now. LIVE EVERY WEEK LIKE IT'S SHARK WEEK.

Personal Goals:

+ Stay in counseling: I have a lot of personal problems I've ignored for years. Part of this was not having insurance, but now that I'm a student, I am paying a health fee that covers counseling. Therefore, I will go as long as I am paying this health fee, and try my best to resolve my problems. I've already begun, so staying in it is the goal!

+ Figure out my major: I'm going to do a lot of soul searching, academic activities, and research. Currently hanging in the balance between an arts and a sciences Bachelor, and I reeeeally need to figure out what speaks to me on a fulfilling level, and as a potential career.

+ Save money: This one will be hard, I've never been good at it. I always hoard a lot for the dry times without pay, but then I end up wasting too much. I need to work on sticking to the goals I set, instead of budgeting meticulously and finding excuses to be less than strict with myself. Also: cooking at home. Money in the bank is wonderful.

+ Focus inward: For a long time, I haven't been listening to my own needs and wants and been incredibly self-sacrificing. How can you care about other people if you're not caring for yourself properly, after all? This is not just true of last year, but over my entire adult life. I'm going to pay better attention to myself, be more decisive, and set clear boundaries.

And now for 2010 in review, interspersed with some photos from the year!Collapse )

2010 ended almost in total disaster, but I picked up the pieces and am making positive changes, and then some. Unfortunately, I don't know when I'll do my creative blogging again, as I'm taking even more classes this semester and trying to make more time for myself. For now, posts will come whenever I feel like it, essentially, so I hope everyone I am in contact with through here has a great 2011 (two-thousand-and-heaven, OHHHH)!
link2 bad touches|touch me. with words.

there are no words [Nov. 28th, 2010|01:39 am]
Kez Dispenser
link4 bad touches|touch me. with words.

Wave of Inspiration week 4! [Nov. 8th, 2010|07:22 pm]
Kez Dispenser
[Tags|, , , ]

Without further delay, a total myriad of stuff I have been digging lately- for the past two weeks, actually!

+ finding good deals on Amazon for things I've been wanting for a while (my ideal cat brush! Swoon!)
+ spreading the awesomeness of Mark Bittman to my boss and coworkers!! He is my favorite food blogger/recipe writer/cookbook author- etc., Jill gifted me with his cookbook (How to Cook Everything!) for my birthday this year and it is quite possibly the best birthday gift I've received to date!
+ hot bubble baths - I refuse to turn on the heat for my apartment because I've decided to get in touch with my inner stingy old man, and this is my favorite way to heat up at night. Lavender is the best scent, obviously ♥
+ pumpkin carving and pumpkin seed baking with my boyfriend
+ cold weather - though I wish Georgia had longer in-between seasons, the temperature average dropped from 80 to 60 in a single day, I swear, and my favorite season is fall by far
+ scarves, particularly my obnoxious rainbow scarf
+ earmuffs with bows and hearts!!! I keep seeing them around, and I want to try making some!
+ finally mastering the art of washing my hair every other day or so - this is a weird one, but it's been a personal goal of mine to figure out how to make my hair less greasy and also make my color last longer, and it's been a success lately with the help of varying degrees of baby powder and Batiste dry shampoo~ it is wonderful
+ Clinique 3-step skin care - FOR THE FIRST TIME IN MY LIFE, MY SKIN IS NOT DISGUSTING~ yes!!
+ Halloween last weekend - I am still on such a high from how fun it was hanging out with a Finn and Jake while dressed as Marceline, all from Adventure Time
+ The new Walking Dead mini-series, oh myyy, it is the best zombie pop culture out there right now
+ running into a girl that I had a conversation with on campus weeks ago that I never thought I'd see again- she remembered me as well as I did her! we exchanged numbers, and I have awkwardly avoided communicating with her, but I need to!!
+ handmade and sweatshop-free clothing, handmade anything really!
+ feeding a feral cat up by the bars in town, I'm glad I could prevent it from eating the random honey mustard pack on the ground it was chewing on before I approached... I'm also considering buying a feral cat trap so I can start helping these poor guys out in the long-term because they are everywhere

liiiiiiinks! ♥♥!

+ These colorful bento boxes! I like them way more than the printed bento boxes that are more typical stateside. They have so much potential for your own creativity this way!
+ Alphabeastiary: a blog one of my friends is in co-charge of, where artists draw from a list of different creatures from mythologies all over the world. I'd love to join, but maybe when I get a little bit more time- plus, my skills actually may not be up to par, but that won't stop me from applying if I get the time!
+ somebody made a ringtone of the "OH MARCELINE~" part of the House-Hunting song from Adventure Time- ALGEBRAIC!
+ Thanksgiving Turkey Cake - I should not have to elaborate on how awesome this is!!!!
+ Rebecca Sugar's blog: Rebecca Sugar is a member of the Adventure Time production team- the first episode she worked on is my favorite so far, It Came From The Nightosphere! The blog doesn't have many entries, sadly, but it's still pretty neat, and features an original version of her songs for that episode
+ Divide and Kreate: a mashups/remixes web site that my friend showed me a while back, most people have probably seen it but I'm loving some of these lately- particularly noteworthy is Dance Dreams, the Gaga/Eurythmics combination, teehee

videossss, just a few~!! ♥ ♥ (I'm being totally obnoxious with these, and I apologize)

Singles from Rebecca Sugar on Vimeo.

This is Rebecca Sugar's thesis film, in case you missed it on her blog- I am always blown away by the bizarre stuff some animators come up with, this is so radically weird

Bulletproof is not at all a new song, but sometimes I can't stop listening to it - this is one of those times! I am really digging stuff that has a modernized 80s vibe to it lately

- ♥♥♥ -
link3 bad touches|touch me. with words.

Wave of Inspiration week 3! [Oct. 24th, 2010|11:25 pm]
Kez Dispenser

I have a bunch of deadlines to meet, so this one won't be long either. I'm hoping life will slow down after midterms this week...

+ Extensions! I finished mine recently, and my boss clipped them in and teased my hair to look like an 80s hair metal star. I need to get her to do it more often, but my hair's already a bit too faded for the extensions! I have photos but they're not very good ones... I need a tripod so I don't have myspace angles going all the time.
+ Halloweeeeen countdooown - I'm not doing much to get in the spirit but I'm excited! I think I'll try my hand at making an axe guitar out of paper and cardboard for Marceline's costume from her most recent episode.
+ this tuxedo dress on Etsy! It's so cute... I love the menswear trend!
+ The new Back to the Future video game project actually looks really awesome, check it out below!

It makes me really happy to see these movies get a new project. I really think they're one of the best things to come from the '80s. I AM A DORK THOUGH.

Really cool song I dig, the style of the imagery is very mori, and my fashion photographer friend said she is actually a model before a performer! Nifty.
linktouch me. with words.

ATTN PORTAL FANS: Teefury today!!! [Oct. 22nd, 2010|09:54 pm]
Kez Dispenser
[Tags|, , ]
[motes |excitedexcited]

If you like Portal as much as I do, you probably want to grab this shirt before midnight EST time as TeeFury only offers a single design each day of the year! I can't say I've seen a finer game shirt from TeeFury!!! SO IN LOVE
linktouch me. with words.

October 17th Wave of Inspiration [Oct. 17th, 2010|11:18 pm]
Kez Dispenser
[Tags|, , , ]

This week will actually be short- I just got back from a mini-vacation to see my old roommate/bestfriend and other friend in Savannah!

+ Savannah's abundance of Spanish moss, which provides a lovely aesthetic and lighting for the city's antebellum streets
+ The Crypt Pub, a silly little joint on Broughton that had the most delicious alcohol I've had in a long time-- the elderberry liquor + champagne drink was especially amazing <3
+ musicals- seriously, I am watching so many lately, and I love how varied they actually are. I will never be able to comprehend why a person doesn't like at least one musical.
+ Korean food- I am setting out on a mission to learn how to make as much Korean food as possible. I am tired of sweet, starch-centered foods, and I am more than ready for the bitter spiciness of Korean food to be conquered in my personal kitchen.
+ dancing - even though I'm really bad at it, it is so fun to just cut loose and have fun and not give a damn what anyone else thinks of you!

And a single song from one of the musicals I've watched recently, Chicago!

Next week's will be better, promise!
link2 bad touches|touch me. with words.

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